Sometimes it feels like my life is a series of stories, anyone that knows me would agree, there is always a new story,
They seems to weigh in at the extreme high or extreme low.
This particular event unfortunately is pretty low down there, to be honest I'm still riding this one out, and I am aware that may be the case for a while, but nonetheless its a story, something else that will shape my life for better or worse. So although I'm eagerly awaiting the next ascend on this crazy roller coaster of life, and even though this story is still on going, still healing, it feels like the right time to share.
I have always loved writing, but in recent years, not really taken pen to paper at all.
I always tell others to write things down, how writing can help you heal, so I thought I would take my own advise and listen to the voice that is calling me to share.
In the darkest days post operation I found myself awake at night goggling Ectopic pregnancy, desperate to read about others experiences, check them against mine, check their emotions against mine, try to understand what was happening, and why, try to take time to figure out what I had been through.
Reading the stories of others helped, I think, I mean, they mostly made me cry and hurt not only for me, and also for them, but still I think it helped. I also spoke with another good friend of mine who had recently lost her baby, and she had also done the same thing, and said it helped.
So with that,I hope that someone will one day find solace in my story.
Whilst scrambling around the internet for answers I found out that 1 in 50 pregnancies is ectopic, I cant believe that, 1 in 50, that is so many, Yet before I went through this is hadn't even heard of it, it had never been mentioned to me as a possibility, and it didn’t even register on my ' things to be afraid of as a women' list.
So I guess that seems like another good reason to share, not because I want to scare women, but just so if you start to worry or feel symptoms you might understand quickly what could be happening, and seek the correct medical assistance.
Before I tell you about my Ectopic pregnancy I want to shine some light on this story, the brightest light in fact, I'm 32 and from England, however I have spent the last 3 years living in the Philippines, in which time I have been blessed with my beautiful girl. She is almost 2 years old and is joy and hope encapsulated. My pregnancy, although not a walk in the park, most definitely came through as a high, I had no major issues , my birth was natural, drug free and complication free. I birthed here in the Philippines, in a very simple but effective birthing home. The whole experience was wonderful.
Since Irie was Born I have fantasied about more children, me and my partner speak about it a lot, and we are both sure we want more. We stay hopeful on this.
So back to this story, I wanna re wind 2 weeks, to that first crippling pain I felt punching through my uterus, its was around 4pm I was in the garden playing with Irie when the pain became so intense I couldn't stand or sit, I needed to lay down. The pain continued, and got more severe, at the time I described the pain to be like contractions on speed! I could not comprehend this pain, why it could be a happening, or how to make it stop.
I lay, sat, knelt and cried in pain throughout the whole night, I wasn’t able to sleep, and by the morning the pain was unbearable. The pain moved from my uterus up into my chest, shoulders and neck. I realise now that this was the point my body started going into shock, I was losing the ability to breath freely, I felt like I was having a panic attack, my skin was turning a strange yellow colour, and this was the closest to death I think I have felt.
After my sleepless night trying to get answers from the internet as to what this pain was I was still clueless, and needed medical assistance.
I live in El Nido in the Philippines, it is a small tourist town, and we do not have a hospital, we have private health clinics, which leave a lot to the imagination, and not much left in the wallet, hence the fact I had bared the pain all night in the hope it would just stop, and I wouldn’t need to go to the health center. However I needed something, urgently, if nothing else to help me breath.
When I got there its safe to say the Dr and nurse had no idea what was happening to me, I explained I had been bleeding on and off for around 8 days, and it shouldn’t have been my period as It was early. I had started vomiting at this point also. Unfortunately it was clear no one knew what was going on , however the got me on a drip pretty quickly, injected hardcore painkillers and gave me oxygen to help me breath.
6 hours or so later I left the health clinic, with a bag full of medication but zero diagnoses.
The extreme pain had settled into a dull aching all over my body, and I was exhausted.
Feeling defeated and broke I got into bed hoping to sleep and for this all to be over when I woke up.
Just 30 mins later I got a call, it was the health clinic, the Dr had discovered something after I left, I needed to go back to discuss it with him. I was pregnant.
I wanted to be pregnant, for sure I did, I had been thinking about it for months, and though I really knew in my head and my heart, this was not going to end the way I dreamed, no pregnancy could be viable after what my body had just gone through I thought, I knew really, however I clung so tightly on to hope, maybe just maybe.
Walking into the health clinic, I felt I saw a small smile on the face of the Dr, I saw that as hope, I held onto it.
He told me he had discovered with a pregnancy test I was pregnant, he spoke about my blood , and how it could be that my body was rejecting the pregnancy due to my negative blood type, he said that if that was the case there was tablets I could take to try to save it, and that I should go to the OB gyn in the city as a matter of urgency.
He handed me the positive pregnancy test, and asked if I wanted to keep it, the way I would expect someone to act if this was a hopeful situation, maybe I was wearing my rose tinted glasses, but I saw hope in that Dr's face, and I took that hope and made it mine.
Due to Lockkdown on our island it took a lot of hard work to secure a van transport and the papers needed to get travel 6 hours to the city, we couldn’t leave until the next morning
Once we arrived at the hospital my Ob gyn was called for, it was the first time I had seen him since he had delivered my daughter the reunion was a nice moment, I was happy to see him, just looking at him made me feel safe
We spoke about what I had gone through, and I saw his face, slowly turning from the jovial reunion face, to one stricken with worry and concern.
And that was when I first heard the words 'Ectopic Pregnancy', he told me it sounded like I was experiencing an Ectopic pregnancy, this is where the fetus starts to develop outside of the womb, 95% of Ectopic pregnancies occur in the fallopian tube, also known as tubal pregnancies, Ectopic pregnancies are not able to be saved, and must be removed urgently to avoid serious conditions in the mother, ultimately resulting in blood clots, ruptures and internal bleeding.
Ok, lets be real, these were words that felt much more aligned with the pain I had felt in my body. Yes, in fact, i'm sure that is what is happening, I'm also sure at this point the change in my face would have also been evident for anyone to see. That crazy bit of hope I had held onto was gone, and replaced with fear, and uncertainty. I started to cry, the Dr told me to stop crying, I needed to stay strong and calm.
An ultrasound confirmed the Dr's thoughts, and also confirmed that my fallopian tube was ruptured, I needed surgery, urgently.
So there I find myself, in the city, with all the money we have left in the world ( not much due to our business collapsing in these COVID times) in our pockets, our 2 year old full of life daughter, restless and confused, being told I need to admit for urgent surgery right now.
The hospital in which I had seen my OB gene was a private hospital I had been admitted to before (that’s a whole other story for a whole other time) but I knew I couldn’t stay there, the cost would be far too high, we would never be able cover it. The Dr told us he could refer us to the government hospital, this would save us money, we didn’t have a choice, we left that hospital and made our way the cheaper option.
I needed to be admitted straight away, but in an unfortunate turn of events, due to no private rooms in the hospital my partner and my girl were escorted out of the building and told they would not be able to stay with me, it was hospital policy. So I was there in the hospital bed on the emergency ward of a government hospital in the Philippines, being prepped for surgery.
Irie is still nursing, and had, up until this night, never slept without me. This was all I could think about, I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to be with her, I needed her to know I was there, and everything would be ok.
I cried a million tears, even when all the nurses tried to calm me down the tears didn’t stop, I couldn’t understand what was happening, and why.
As the hours passed the chance of surgery that night became less and less, they would not perform the surgery until they had blood on hand for the transfusion.
As I mentioned previously my blood type is RH negative, here in the Philippines my blood type is extremely rare, so much so, that my previous stint in hospital I had waited 5 days before blood had been located and cleared.
Of course my mind was racing, what if that happens again, they cant find my blood, i'm going to die, I knew it, maybe this was the final story, wow so dramatic, but this my head, going round and round all night until I eventually must have fallen asleep.
I woke up to the sound of my partner and girls voices, they had early that morning been able somehow to convince the nurses to let them in, and let them be with me, as I had no one else there. I'm grateful beyond belief that was allowed.
And then we tried, tried, speaking to anyone and everyone desperately trying to find a blood doner, both knowing we had been here before, knowing that this wasn’t an easy task!
It took 40 hours from admission, but finally they had located 2 bags of blood, and the surgery could go ahead.
I felt so relieved, I was just desperate now to get this done, get it sorted, and get me home. I think my relief about finding the blood distracted me from the fact I was being prepped for major surgery, I have never had surgery before, so I didn’t know what to expect.
The worst part at this point was the fact I hadn't been allowed to drink anything this whole time, coupled with the fact I was made to wear a mask the whole duration for COVID reasons, my mouth was like the Sahara!!
I said see you soon to Irie and Loy and was taken upstairs to the surgery room.
I was injected in my spine to take away the feelings from the waist down, an awful feeling I never want to recreate, the anesthesia made the rest of my body shake, I felt cold and terrified, and was then injected with further anesthesia to put me to sleep.
I woke up mid way through the surgery, I am sure I couldn’t feel pain, but the fear i felt when my eyes opened I looked at the nurse and shouted, “why am I awake, put me back to sleep now”, which they did very quickly, and the next time I woke up, the surgery was completed. They had removed the pregnancy, and my ruptured fallopian tube.
After 4 more days in hospital, a hell of a lot of painkillers, and more tears shed than I thought possible I was finally discharged.
The physical pain has gone almost completely gone now, 2 weeks on, day by day it has eased and gotten easier.
Those first few days post op. were the darkest I have ever experienced.
I felt pain in my body, but also in my heart, I felt angry, sad, confused and tired, I felt the pain would never leave. I experienced what I imagine to be depression, my head felt like a big black cloud, every time a light shined through my mind destroyed it with blackness, I felt self pity.
But I want to tell you, I need to tell you, it has got better, each passing day.
A soul sister told me in those days, replace fear with faith, and that's what I did, and continue to do, each fear that comes up, I am trying to replace it with faith, faith that things will work out as they need.
I have been told by many to allow time to grieve, and I will or maybe I have, at times i'm not sure if i'm grieving for a baby, or for an untainted ideal of pregnancy, but right now what is working for me is focusing on the future, the plan, and the faith in the universe that I will come out of this stronger, and more educated.
Ectopic pregnancy is the hardest roughest thing I am yet to experience in my life, I am scared about whats next.
I will use this opportunity to focus on my health, as another wonderful friend of mine said, I can spend all day worrying about what's best for me and for my daughter but ultimately me being alive has gotta be top of that list.
We will be re locating to the UK for a while, because I want to be able to talk to Dr's, and make informed choices about what steps I can take to optimize my health and my chances of natural conception and healthy pregnancies in the future, I am hopeful now that things will be better.
In times of struggle I have been overwhelmed with the kindness of others, I realize just how lucky I am to be surrounded by support and love. Lean on who you can, and talk as much as you need would be my advise to anyone going through this.
Take the time you need on your journey, cry, grieve, get mad.
Laying in that ward surrounded by women that had lost their babies the world felt unjust and unfair, there were days when we all cried, and there were days when we managed to laugh, seeing the strength of other women gave me hope, the sounds of their cries and their laughter will stick with me forever.
We are incredibly strong and powerful beings, and these experiences will help shape us, strengthen us and unite us.
From the darkness comes light.
Rosie
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